Driving a Scooter in Paris – It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

I can’t remember what my life was like in Paris before I bought my scooter. Getting around on a wee 50cc vespa, zipping through the narrow streets of Paris is one of the great feelings in life. Then you remember everyone else on the streets. And the dream dies.

I can’t categorically state that Parisian drivers are the worst in the world. I haven’t driven everywhere in the world. They’re simply the worst I’ve ever seen. You learn pretty quickly that there are very few actual rules for driving in Paris and those that exist seem to have been created for, well, a laugh. My own particular favourite is that vehicles filtering on to traffic from your right have priority. Let me explain. I can be merrily driving along a straight road and any vehicle can pull into my path from any junction on my right without indication nor use of mirrors. And it’s legal. What this means is that you learn to drive in a sort of stop/start fashion whilst constantly slowing down whilst passing the smallest street. Just in case. Well that is if you drive a scooter and/or value your life. Should you drive a car, or if indeed your life is not that important to you, then just crack on. You’ll probably survive the impact right? In the early days I  had many barneys with drivers who, in my view, attempted to kill me by pulling out in front of me. This was until it was explained to me by a friend that what they were doing was in fact perfectly acceptable under the law. My gast was absolutely flabbered. I still lose it when cars pull out without even a cursory glance left but I’ve never yet met a driver who gave a shit about my feelings.

You can’t drive a scooter in Paris for 3+ years without taking a tumble or two. In my case it’s around 7 times with the latest being around a week ago. In every single instance rain or wet roads have been a factor. Unfortunately a vespa is simply not made to stop in the rain. Throw in the large amount of cobbled streets in Paris and you end up like a giraffe on roller skates when the heavens open. Of all the spills I’ve had, and none have been serious thankfully, I can honestly hold my hand up and say that on one occasion it was my fault. I should have slowed down more before the traffic lights and when they changed I braked too hard and the front wheel slid out from under me. On every other tumble it was another driver or pedestrian’s fault and I had little or no chance. From people stepping out onto the street between parked cars, to drivers throwing open their doors with looking in the mirror, to taxis suddenly changing lanes without warning (or indication), to police pulling out in front of me for no apparent reason, I’ve seen it all. On all of these occasions, when the “other guy” was clearly in the wrong, not once have they ever accepted any responsibility for their actions. Usually you are met with a bemused “well, you fell so it’s your fault” kinda look. It drives you nuts. Last week’s fall was the result of a car pulling out in front of me (from the left) and turning the wrong way up a one-way street. I braked suddenly to avoid collision and went down like a sack of spuds. Adrenalin kicks in, I jump up and run to the driver door ready to kick someone’s ass. Cue woman sitting there looking bemused. “I was just going that way” she said. “You’re not allowed to fucking go that way. You could have killed me. Do you care?” was my witty repost. “No” would apparently be the answer. End result, bust up knee (again) and a crooked pinky. Both hurt like buggery. I await with trepidation the day, in a couple of weeks, when they don’t hurt because that’ll be the day that I’m due my next tumble.

Another of my favourite “tricks” by Parisian drivers is the habit of indicating as they turn a corner. Not before. Not during the 2 minutes sat at the traffic lights but during the turn. It’s difficult to try to explain to Parisian drivers that indicating whilst turning is a pointless exercise. I don’t need you tell me that you’re turning whilst you are turning as, I can see that you are turning. Usually across two lanes and my path. Parisian looooove to turn across multiple lanes of traffic. It just doesn’t seem worth turning if you have already manoeuvred yourself into the correct lane. Where’s the fun in that?

You would be forgiven for thinking that there seems to be simply a basic communication problem between drivers on the Paris streets. You would be wrong. Paris drivers love to communicate whilst driving. Their favourite methods are iphones and blackberries. NEVER hands free. Too easy. Yup you can always tell if the driver in front of you is on his/her phone when they seem totally adrift from the traffic in front of them. They however pale into insignificance when faced with the other hazard (they at least have their eyes on the road most of the time).  I can tell with almost 100% certainty that when the driver in front of me starts veering all over the road, into oncoming traffic etc. that said driver is using an ipod or mp3 player. These drivers cradle the device in their lap and change the songs whilst looking at the screen. I’ve seen so many accidents or near misses due to these idiots and they don’t seem to be learning.

There are a few basic tenants that you learn over the years driving in Paris.

§  Scooters are invisible to the naked eye of a driver.

§  No-one ever uses indicators or mirrors. Fact.

§  Taxi drivers in Paris are, in my humble opinion, the lowest life form on earth. Whether you are driving alongside them or actually in their vehicle. More of this on another day.

§  Smart car drivers are, ironically, the dumbest people on the road.

§  If you drive in Chinatown (13e) well then you’re just asking for trouble aren’t you.

§  People that ride Velibs (the rental bikes in Paris) have no ability to ride in a straight line.

§  Red lights do not apply to velibs or sushi delivery drivers (what’s their rush anyway?).

§  Paris pedestrians have absolutely no fear of traffic and are, apparently, impervious to oncoming vehicles.

§  One way streets do not really mean that you can only drive one way up them.

§  Scooters have no right to legal parking spaces and can be moved/knocked over by car drivers if they happen to be in a space that they desire.

§  Parisian police can sense that I am not French and of a certain age and therefore still have a healthy respect/fear of them. Whilst other drivers can basically mount the pavement whilst overtaking a police car I get followed for 5 minutes while they wait for me to do anything suspect.

So, in short, riding a scooter in Paris when it’s dry, the sun is shining and you have a pretty girl as a passenger is one of life’s great thrills. My advice to you is to buy one of those 3 wheel MP3 things. Much, much safer. x